Perception

Sometimes in life it's all just a matter of where you're coming from. To one person a mosaic is nothing but a random collection of broken tiles. While to another it's a work of art. Sometimes it's all too easy to see only what we want, which isn't necessarily the truth. But then truth is quiet often relative to ones perspective.

If two people can look at the same situation from different angles and see it completely differently then how do you know who's right? How can you ever really know what's true? Even about yourself. Is what you see when you look in the mirror true or like everything else is it coloured by your perspective?

What if your most firmly held beliefs aren't true? What if you only believe them because that's the way you've been taught to see things?

Shoes (a metaphor)

I once had an old pair of shoes and every time I wore them they would cause me pain. And I don't just mean a little pain; I mean blisters like you wouldn't believe. And yet I continued to wear them, knowing that they would hurt me? Why couldn’t I just throw them away and buy another pair?

See the thing is, these shoes where my favourite; I had them for a long time. I got used to the way they looked, to the way they felt. I even got used to the pain; accepting it as the price I must pay for wearing them. No other pair would do, I was convinced that these where the only shoes I needed.

But it wasn’t always bad. I had some great times in those shoes. And they didn't always hurt my feet either. Back when I first found them they fitted perfectly. But the longer I wore them, the less they fit and the more pain they caused me. Until the point where the good memories I once had started to become tainted and instead of loving my favorite pair of shoes, I started to hate them. And yet I still couldn’t throw them away. I knew that by holding onto them I was stopping myself from finding another pair of shoes; a pair that where better suited to my feet as were now, not as they once had been. But I just couldn’t let them go. It's not easy letting go of something that once meant so much.

Through the months of nagging pain I suffered. Knowing the situation I was in was bad but not knowing how to move on. Until final something snapped, like a heel caught in a drain, and I was forced to finally say good bye to my old shoes, my old life and find something new, something better.

It took time for the blisters to heal. And my feet will be forever scared by the experience. But maybe that's ok, maybe sometimes you have to experience a little pain in order to grow. And at least now I can walk on down the road without being stunted by a pair of ill fitting shoes.

The best presents for kids

What was the best present you ever brought your child/ren & why?
For me is was a Barbie CD player that I got for my daughter for her 4th birthday earlier this year. At first when she unwrapped it she was silent, smiling and gracious, she asked politely 'mum what is it?' I started to wonder if I'd failed, if maybe I wouldn't have been better off getting her an actual Barbie doll instead. But then I set it up in her room and showed it how it worked she really liked it. And mummy likes it too.

Now when it's a rainy day and I need to burn off some of that excess energy we put on some music and dance around the house together. Or when she wants to be noisy & I need peace and quite she can practice her singing in her room. But the best part is at bed time. Now instead of spending up to two hours, nagging and yelling and pandering as I sat by her bedside and patted her back or read her one more story (no really I promise just one more). I pop on her favorite cd, have a quick cuddle with her, tuck her in, tell her how much I love her and we're done. Sometimes she's not quite ready to go to sleep yet but because the music is there to keep her company and help her wind down she actually stays in bed. And 9 times out of 10 by the time the cd's finished she's fast asleep.

End result - CD player $50, a couple of kids CD's $30, no more bedtime tantrums - priceless.

Being a good mum... does not mean feeling guilty for spending time away from your kids

As a single mum who works full-time and has shared custody I have two choices, either I can constantly beat myself up over how much time I spend away from my daughter or I can choose to turn the negatives into positives. So instead of telling myself what a terrible mother I am because I send my child to day-care. I tell myself how fortunate I am to have a great job with flexible hours and good pay, that being able to support myself and pay the mortgage are things to be proud of. And that my darling girl is better off playing with her friends and learning her ABC's then being at home with a grumpy mummy who's broke and living off welfare.

And instead of moping every time she goes to her dads house I, like you said, use that time productively. I make the most of my 'me' time by studying, seeing friends, dating, traveling and generally enjoying my life. I also occasionally party - not like I'm 19 - but like I'm still in my (late) 20's - which I am. That way I don't end up resenting my daughter or feeling like I missed out on anything.

And when she is with me, she is my focus. When I'm in mum mode I don't drink, swear or stay out late. I tell my daughter I love her and that she can do or be anything. I encourage her to try things and to talk to me about anything and everything. I have fun with her and enjoy our time together. No matter what she is my number one priority. Yes, my daughter is the love of my life.... but she's not my whole life. And that's not such a bad thing, because one day soon she will be all grown up and whilst she will always love her mother, I'm not and never will be her whole life either.

What makes a good parent?

I don’t know about other people but I often worry if I’m getting things right – in my career, my relationships but nowhere more so then in my role as a parent. After all being a parent is an important job – the most important. And because I want to get it right I read the magazine articles, I talk to other parents about how they do things, I watch other parents and try to determine what works and what doesn’t work; and with a lot of trial and error I try to muddle through. But how do you really know if you’re getting it right? Especially as there are so many different opinions on what makes a good parent and the best way to raise kids.

Some people believe that the proof is the child it’s self – that if they’re well behaved, dressed nicely and seemingly happy then the parents must be doing a fantastic job. But I know from my own experience and observations that they’re can be a lot going on behind closed doors that really shouldn’t be. That kids just like adults can be good at putting on a brave face for the public. And even the most dedicated parent, who’s trying they’re hardest can sometimes wake up to find their child is in real trouble. Problems aren’t always apparent straight away and can go undetected for years until something major happens to bring them out in the open.

The truth is you may never know just how much you screwed up your kids. Hands up those amongst us that blame our own parents for at least some small part in our ‘issues’. And have you actually told your parents how you feel? No – I didn’t think so. And I bet if you ever did – then in 9 out of 10 cases the parent (especially if they’re from an older generation) would swear blind that they did a great job.

I bet, at this moment there are hundreds of bad parents out there absolutely certain in their conviction that the way they’re raising their kids is the right way. And there are also probably just as many fantastic parents out there tying themselves up in knots because they’re worried they’re getting it wrong. Perhaps someone should invent some sort of test or standardised measurement for parental ability. Perhaps we should all have to undergo annual reviews of our parenting performance. But who would decide what equals good parenting? What’s your own measurement for success as a parent?  

Love - who would risk it?

Let’s be honest – not all relationships last. And in hindsight not all are meant to. But in the quest for true love we accept that if you want to find your ‘I do’ you have to be willing to go through a lot of ‘I don’ts’.  Because you never know they might just be the one you spend the rest of your life with.

But what if you knew going in – that you wouldn’t last the distance. What if circumstances (a terminal illness for example) pre determined that your love was destined to be short lived. Would you be willing to put yourself through the heartbreak of losing someone you love for the trade off of say ten good years? What about less time, would one blissful year still be worth it to then have to endure such heart ache?

If there are no guarantees in life and any relationship has the potential to end at any time. Then how do you weigh up the risk of a painful break up versus the potential jackpot of finding a fulfilling relationship, maybe even your true love?

Is it really better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? Or is it smarter to walk away and save yourself the weeks and months of pain that often follows a break up?

Cake is the key to happiness

I see it so often in my friends, wonderful women wasting their time on crappy relationships and men who aren’t worth their time because they think they can’t be happy without a man in their lives. I’ve been (very) guilty of it myself in the past and it took me long time to figure out that as wonderful as (some) men are – they are not the be all and end all.

Yes men are lovely, love is wonderful and I like most people want to find a fulfilling relationship, preferably one that lasts for a while. But slowly, through a lot of trial and error I am learning to stop looking to a man to make me happy and complete. And instead I am learning to make myself happy instead.

I’ve watched some of the men (male friends) in my life and they don’t seem to stress and obsess about dating and relationships the way a lot of women do. That’s not to say they don’t fall in love or feel insecure and self conscious sometimes. But the men I have observed don’t seem to constantly second guess themselves the way a lot of my girlfriends do. I know when I re-entered the dating scene I was a total basket case. Is he going to call? Should I call him? Does he like me? Should I sleep with him now or make him wait? If I change my hair/ my clothes/ my personality will it attract more guys or put them off?

My girlfriends where awesome, they loyally held my hand and listened to my ridiculous obsessing. They propped up myself esteem, let me cry on their shoulders and told me repeatedly that I was fabulous and any guy would be lucky to have me. I could not have survived that period in my life without them. But their one failing was that, very rarely did they ever tell me when I was acting like an idiot. If something went wrong they almost always told me what I wanted to hear, which was that it was the guys fault.

I am forever grateful to them for their unwavering support but I am also as equally grateful to a couple of very dear male friends who set me straight and told me how things really are.

There are two pearls of wisdom in particular that I received from them that will never forget....

Don’t put the penis on a pedestal. As wonderful as the guy you are currently dating is, he is at the end of the day just a guy – not some sort of demigod. He is a human being with many wonderful qualities and just as many faults – no more, no less. And if it doesn’t work out, then there will, eventually, after a lot of crying and too much wine drinking, be another one to take his place. So don’t give him more power over your happiness then he deserves.

Stop stressing and make yourself happy. If you want to call him, then do it. If you want to sleep with him, go for it. If you want to go out dancing with your girlfriends and he’s acting like a jealous moron – then ignore him and go anyway. Stop worrying so much about what he likes, what he thinks, what he wants and just make yourself happy. If it doesn’t work out learn from it and move on. But don’t go changing to suit someone else. The only reason to change is if something your doing is not making you happy or not getting you what you want. If you’re a fun, friendly, happy, decent, somewhat attractive person then eventually you will meet the right person. Until then enjoy life and make yourself happy.

So here I am a little older and a little wiser and holding on to a man is no longer my measure of success. Gone are the days when I based my whole happiness on one man’s opinion of me. Daughter, friends, family, writing, career, passions, hobbies, travel, freedom, financial stability, good health - these are my cake. Men are just the icing. Cake is yummier with icing but without it, it's still cake. And you can sit around waiting for the icing if you want to but in the meantime your cake is going stale. The right icing may or may not ever turn up but if you bake the best cake you possibly can and put it out there proudly for all the world to see then you have the best chance of finding it. And in the mean time instead of wasting what you’ve got, you’re making the most of it and having a fabulous life.

Given the choice between a wonderful, charismatic, interesting, confident, mature and self reliant man and a bitter sad sack with no life I know what 99.9% of you would choose. And if the tables were turned and I asked the men out there to choose their ideal women I bet she’d sound a lot more like contestant number one.

So tell me ladies what are you going to do, today, right now to make yourself happy?